I don’t remember the first time I saw her but I am sure she looked as beautiful as she does today. I have a vague memory of her cooking with a wooden spatula but that’s faint. But I do remember her scent and the way she held my hand when I cried for something stupid. Her touch is as reassuring even now.
I have grown up. I have grown from being the girl who applied tons of lipstick to pose in front of the mirror. I recall how she had put a red bow on the first book I ever read, Noddy. Since then, I have developed this strong maniac tendency to keep reading some or the other book and she never resisted.
Those days when I came back home crying for being put second in line to dance, she told me that a princess never stands in front, she always has some one to protect her just in case something bad was to happen and I was, like always, convinced. I tried to speak like her, walk like her, she was my idol. I wanted to be like her so much back then. She made me ride the bicycle and held it tightly in case I fall down. She has limitless patience and that prompted her to buy me 3 bicycles. Yes, it took 3 bicycles for me to learn how to ride a bicycle.
Life changed for me. I had some friends and then they changed. I had aims and they changed too. But my love for her remained consistent. She magically solved everything with her little hot chocolate talks. The run between the front door to her always seemed long to me when I returned from school. Everything revolved around her, my school certificates were for her, for her smile. My achievements, my marks and everything that I did was to make her happy.
Times changed and so did I. I got busy, not intentionally but we drifted apart a bit. I no longer told her everything. Life was rapidly changing for me. I no longer ran to her for my problems. I made a call instead and talked to my friend. I didn’t ask for her those many decisions I took later in life. I didn’t feel the need to do that. As a teenager I was on a roller coaster ride of my life.
Life’s simpler now. It has some how become more stable. Nothing’s too rushed and nothing is too urgent. Life has settled down in terms of the mad emotions and feelings that rushed through me as a teenager. Now, I miss her. All these years we never really talked about anything close to Me. Of course it was always all about me. But it was not, anymore. She tried to bridge the gap but I wanted my space.
What makes my guilt rise to the surface and boil is the fact that her life never changed, she was still the same. She was quietly watching me grow, maybe with some silent tears. I never understood her while her life was still revolving around me. I never tried to know what she wanted. I never asked her how her life’s struggles went on. I was never there for her when she needed me. She was my friend when nobody was there. I left her when those ‘precious’ friends came in my life (and went away).
I see her everyday and we politely smile. She is getting old and I hate that. I want her to be young again, I don’t like the wrinkles appearing near her eyes or her hair turning white. She loves me dearly and so do I. But those words are never exchanged. Maybe it’s not important or maybe it is and it always was. I miss her. I am saying this again because I really do. I want to have those hot chocolate talks with her again. I want Her to solve all my problems again. I want her to know everything now.
As a child I got lost in the market once. I was literally lost. In the dark alley a man walked towards me and offered to raise me. I was petrified and told him that my mother will come searching for me. I will go back home. He stayed with me for 2 hours and nobody came to fetch me. That was the first time I felt I lost her. My heart sank to my stomach. These days, I get that feeling, its killing me.